ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE (SITCOM VERSION)

28 Jun

ArtBTheatreTitle

THERE’S A WHOLE CHANNEL OF THIS STUFF

A 26 minute barrage of bollocks, compiled from series two of Artbollocks Theatre with a new disturbing laugh track and inappropriate library music. I know, just what you always wanted. The writing of many artists, gallerists and curators is a tragedy, so I’m repeating it as comedy.

You can also check out my new Artbollocks Theatre channel on Vimeo. There’s now a facility there for you to leave me a small tip with PayPal or your magic pretend money kurejittokādo if you like Artbollocks Theatre WHICH I KNOW YOU DO BABY. It’s like Kickstarter, but I’ve already done it so that’s better, surely? You could even regard tipping as if you’re in the USA, and you have to leave a tip or your “ass” will be shot by the waitress and you will probably die. Or something like that.

I’ll leave it up to you, though. If you want to die, obviously it’s your decision.

air09

“I could go on, but I’m probably boring you.”

CRITICAL MASS: MAKING THE VISUAL VISIBLE

7 Jul

Luketauntaun

Thursday 10th July, 1pm-5pm Hestercombe Gallery, Cheddon Fitzpaine, Taunton, Somerset TA2 8LG

Please join me, Mark Segal (The Artists Agency, formerly director of the mighty ArtSway), Tom Freshwater (Contemporary Arts Programme Manager at The National Trust) and artist Alexa De Ferranti for a seminar about practice and support for artists outside of England’s cities. It takes place at Hestercombe Gallery, the new contemporary venue at Hestercombe House in the splendidly named Cheddon Fitzpaine, just north of Taunton in Somerset. You can thank Google’s “smart” search helper for the picture of “Taunton” above, by the way.

It costs £10 but bursaries and free transport are available to those who might need it, e.g. and most particularly artists. Apply ASAP, using one of the links below. You just need to very briefly explain why you’d like to attend.

More details of tickets, bursaries and transport here, along with info about Hestercombe.

Same ticket and bursary stuff, different link.

Somerset’s really “happening” right now. Hauser and Wirth faaaaaarrrmmmmmmmm. Expect a confused Phyllida Barlow or Mark Wallinger in the area soon, walking around with shopping bags on their feet like Richard E. Grant in Withnail & I. “We’ve gone on holiday by mistake. We’re in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?”

MASTER RESIDENCY IN THE CARPATHIANS

3 Jul

This is a great opportunity for an artist who is willing to give their all and present the kind of challenging work that can sometimes lead to them getting it in the neck. The deadline already passed for this year, but they’re definitely always looking for new blood.

MasterResidency2

DOUBLE TROUBLE

25 Jun

GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT THE TRUTH AIN’T ONE

Sad news. Notting Hill shopkeepers, “Art as Lifestyle” buccaneers and massive Career Suicide fans Debut Contemporary recently experienced some kind of unfortunate IT glitch, leading to the total loss of all the one star reviews and negative comments on their Facebook page. Luckily, all the uncritical or gushing four and five star reviews were uneffected. Even better, somebody screencapped all the bad reviews before they disappeared. I’m sure Samir will be pleased to know they weren’t lost and are still circulating freely.

Following this tragedy on Facebook, I couldn’t help noticing some of their excellent photography.

MoreenYantobWho’s this? Only bloody “Moreen Lipman” and “Alan Yantob” [both sic and, evidently, sick if they really endorse this place] as proudly namechecked in the DC prospectus. Maybe they’re impersonators who have to style themselves thusly in order to avoid legal action from the real has-been actress and the genuine middlebrow art Hobbit. Samir’s also apparently had a go with other art world titans such as Jason Donovan and Alan Carr. I know, impressive. One time I was on at a Virgin Megastore with Kylie Minogue, though, on the same fucking poster and everything, it was like Alistair Gentry 2pm Kylie Minogue 3pm. Think on that and what it says about my importance to the field of Fine Art.

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ARTBOLLOCKS THEATRE: ABRAMOVIĆ STALKER SPECIAL

16 Jun
Abramovic

“Hi, it’s Marina. Did the restraining order come through yet? Because I REALLY need it.”

HE’S NOT A REVIEWER, HE’S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY

Last week super creep (and scary monster) Adrian Searle– AKA The Guardian‘s art critic– burdened us with way too much information about his mental landscape in what was ostensibly a review of Marina Abramović’s summer residency at the Serpentine Gallery in London. He goes directly from thinking about his mother’s breast to Abramović. The face is up here, pal. He reminisces fondly about being manhandled by her on a previous occasion. He threatens to return again and again. He compares it to a prayer meeting, then in the same paragraph fantasises about her being a dominatrix and giving him a knee trembler outside because he’s (deliberately) been a “naughty boy”. On this evidence I advise you not to invite Adrian into your church, mosque or synagogue. He actually uses the term “Abramović stalkers”. It takes one to know one? Then he has another fantasy about Abramović being (the late) Pina Bausch, hopefully while she was still alive at least.

In short, just by touching his hand once the artist seems to have dredged up some very mucky psychosexual stuff from the Searle id. As I previously mentioned on Twitter, after reading it I felt dirty and I wanted to wash my eyeballs because it seemed pretty clear the Abramović experience was going into Searle’s wank bank. So I thought it was worthy of an Artbollocks Theatre Abramović Stalker Special, and with all due modesty I think it’s also my most BAFTA-worthy performance yet. It’s not an impersonation of Searle because that would be boring. It’s my dramatic interpretation of the (sub)text because I’m an artist, darling. Not that there’s much sub here unless it’s in the BDSM sense; all the stuff that should be subtext is basically just text.

Incidentally, why do female artists still have to put up with this shit? I think Abramović is a ridiculous individual and nothing she’s done in the past thirty years has been in any way cogent or necessary. According to more than one informant, her attitude towards junior artists is exploitative and appalling. This particular work of hers sounds like a mediocre first year undergraduate drama intro for the least capable students, and indeed Searle is very close to saying so when he manages to stop drooling for a few seconds. Some people obviously really rate her, but that’s their problem.

Prerogative, I mean. It’s their prerogative.

All that said, for the purposes of what I’m about to write it doesn’t really matter what you think of her or of her work, not least because her work doesn’t matter any more and she’s just spinning her wheels as the world’s top Marina Abramović impersonator; but she’s appearing in public in a professional context and a male critic wouldn’t think it was acceptable or relevant to publicly demean an artist with his pervy fantasies in a national newspaper if the artist was a man.

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