YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH ART THESE BASTARDS HAVE

11 Aug

artreview-power-100-2011

A listicle of famous art collectors, movers and shakers. See, I’m really getting the hang of this lazy journalism blogging clickbait type thing. Just string a bunch of clichés together, condescendingly pretend that the reader is a pal so we’re just hanging out shooting the shit, and Bob’s your uncle. Oops, there’s another one! I tried really hard, but unfortunately I couldn’t shoehorn anything funny and adorable about cats or pugs into this listicle. Sorry about that.

Buckfast001

IN ASSOCIATION WITH BUCKFAST TONIC WINE

MAO ZEDONG

One of China’s leading commissioners of art, and of disastrously ill-conceived social engineering enterprises that lead to the deaths of millions. Doh. We’ve all done it at least once, right ladies? So embarrassing. Also one of China’s leading destroyers of art, literature, families, teachers, revisionists and running dogs of capitalism, pots and pans, sparrows, etc. Iconoclastic!

longlifetochairmanmao

ADOLF HITLER

Having aggressively amassed a huge collection of paintings and annihilated many of his opponents (literally! I mean literally as in for real, not literally meaning actually the opposite of literally but added as a kind of emphasis one stage beyond “you know?” or “right?”), this former artist is credited with creating a number of major booms throughout Europe. LOLocaust!

MARIE ANTOINETTE

When she’s not playing shepherdess (and playing with the shepherds) at her Petit hameau, or commissioning bloody enormous paintings of herself and her even more bloody enormous hair, Madge has been known to totally lose her head over contemporary political works by young Parisian street artists. Ooh la la!

Exécution_de_Marie_Antoinette_le_16_octobre_1793

THE BORGIAS

Niccolò Machiavelli literally (see previous explanation of literally) wrote the book on fucking people over, bumping them off when they get in your way, and generally exploiting your privilege to debauch yourself and squeeze your subjects like a boss, but it was Cesare who actually did it all. Meanwhile young unknowns like Leonardo da Vinci got their big breaks with Chezzer– no pay but a top residency and great exposure with a growing, ambitious family business!

Plus anyone who survives a commission from Cesare can expect his sister Lucrezia to take them firmly in hand. Chez and LuBo are very, very close though, and LuBo’s an attractive lady so always remember that the eyes are up here, OK? Even if she’s rocking a little nip slip like in that one painting. Another pro tip: never drink the prosecco or eat any canapes at the private view. This tea tastes like… almonds? Choke!

Cesareborgia

Bang! Morally bankrupt oligarchs, money launderers and deviant psychopaths coming out of every orifice, especially your bumhole. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. That’s French. Serge Gainsbourg said it, I think. Or it might have been Eric Cantona, IDK.

Grumpy-Cat

CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT

One Response to “YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH ART THESE BASTARDS HAVE”

  1. Alistair 12/08/2014 at 12:26 AM #

    Reblogged this on Alistair Gentry.

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