ARTIST OPPORTUNITIES MAY 2013

17 May

NEW ART MAGAZINE

Unpaid, submission is FREE!!!

Irrelevant, ugly new art magazine/art and lifestyle blog seeking submissions of 3,000-5,000 word articles for its next issue. Please submit your text, plus a CV and two examples of your previous professional writing from a major publisher or magazine we’d really prefer to be working for. All entries must be sent in a format that suits us because we’re really lazy but is incredibly inconvenient and aggravating to you, such as a single PDF compiled from various documents of different sizes, shapes and file types. Please also fill in our application form (download hidden in a cryptic sidebar somewhere on our site) even though it has numerous inexcusable spelling mistakes and totally screwed up formatting so you have to basically type the whole thing out from scratch just so anybody stands a chance of being able to read or understand it.

Your published work will be read by literally ten people, only one of whom even slightly cares about it, and we won’t think to give you a free copy of the magazine or invite you to the party we’re having to launch it. Deadline: tomorrow, 8.30 am.

UPDATE: due to absolutely no interest, deadline extended to the day after tomorrow, 7.30am!

recycle

THE PUBLICLY FUNDED OPEN

£250 inclusive of fee and material costs, submission fee £25

This major new commission will ultimately cost you so much money that even though we’re technically giving you some payment you still won’t come out ahead financially. It is being offered by a well-known art gallery in receipt of funds from the local authority, various charitable foundations, from Arts Council England, and from Creative Scotland because we pretend we’ve got an office there or something.

Everyone who works here is on a salary but the selected artist will be expected to slave themselves to death for a pittance and sink a load of their own money into the project so they can meet the absurd deadlines and expectations imposed upon them by various ignorant, selfish people who still get paid and never get sacked no matter how bad they are at their jobs; these may include a PR woman on a two day a week contract who needs to send leaflets to the printers five months before you ever set foot on the premises or do anything, a curator who openly resents you for no apparent reason, an education/engagement officer who’s totally incapable of getting schools or the general public to visit the gallery, and somebody else whose job description is fuzzy but in any case they’re never organised, always late and frequently in a self-dramatising state of stress and panic about some kind of trivial bullshit or another. You will invoice in two parts for your fee, but the woman who deals with it will have gone off on holiday in the first instance, and on maternity leave in the second instance.

The commission’s theme is definite and non-negotiable but so opaque as to be nigh on impossible to interpret from the sketchy information we provide about it. Just trust us that we have something very specific in mind, we’ll know it when we see it, and anybody who isn’t a fucking mind reader will be summarily dismissed from the application process.

Your £25 administration payment for what is essentially an application for a way below minimum wage job that you’ll end up regretting getting involved with will go towards… oh, look! Is that an eagle? Is it carrying a lamb in its mighty talons, or has it snatched up a small child wearing a fleece hoodie? Because that can happen. AMAZEBALLS.

Please send your CV reduced to the size of a postage stamp, your administration fee of £25, an artist statement of no more than ten words, twenty letters of recommendation, your admission fee of £35, a full proposal and budget that takes between three days and three weeks of unpaid full time work to do, a completed intrusive, patronising equality monitoring form so we can make bigoted snap judgements about you based on what we think we know about your ethnicity, disability or sexuality, and your adminimission fee of £45. All submission materials to arrive by 5pm last Friday, and they will not be returned because it’s too much bother and unfortunately we will most certainly scratch your DVD, put a coffee mug on your exhibition catalogue, then simply lose the rest of your paperwork.

We will make a decision 3-6 months later or when we get around to it or whatever, which will probably be in favour of somebody we know already and had in mind all along. We will announce the successful applicant on Twitter and absolutely everywhere else in public, and only then will we send you a glib, fatuous standard rejection email stating the obvious fact that you weren’t selected (which you’d worked out for yourself weeks or months ago) and saying how high the quality of all the entrants was while denying you any helpful feedback because we want you to know we’re busy, important people and anyway fuck you I’m on maternity leave from next week and I don’t care about your stupid invoice.

1042413421

“Your invoice has been received, but I can’t just click the frigging mouse button to make the payment go through because… let’s say, er, it needs to be signed off by somebody who’s on maternity leave, or something, or… I don’t know, payment run or something, anyway I’m only in the office every fifteenth Thursday, I can’t cope with my workload at the best of times and I’m on sabbatical from tomorrow until September 2016.”

SELL YOUR ART DREAM WITH SUPER NETWORK GALLERY ART!

You have already been selected for your place on our prestigious Fine Art course portfolio e-commerce site exhbition which will take place in ART CAPITALS like New York, London, Paris and Croatia. To secure your place and join our fast growing directory of Professional ARTISTS with its database of over 9,000,000,000 HIGH NET WORTH INDIE VISUALS SUPER PRO PEOPLE who would buy your art, all you must do is submit please your bank details and just a mere initial administration application down payment for reservation of internet consisting of a merely $80.

Please use your bank card PIN as your user number and submit payment by PayPal or Credit Card on our PROFESSIONAL artistS social network portfolio gallery sale site which has at last a several important Cun temporary ARtistes such as you on it now on it. You will also be becoming egg legible for up to a 2% reduction on wall, floor, oxygen/CO2 respiration and photon bouncing start up fees (other fees not included) as mentioned in our website DESPERATEWANNABEARTISTPHISHINGSCAM.COM if you act before the end of this month on our limited offer special for you because of your art specially selected yes.

AND also you will also be negligible for exclusion in our Art tits DIRECTORY of major artists which have been feature in such prestigious art world magazines as Art Something Something, Serbo-Croat Monthly Art Bulletin, Hello!, Take a Break and Grazia.

Супер Мрежа претвара да је уметничка галерија. То нема никакве везе са чл. Експлоатација и превара је врло уобичајена ствар на интернету.

“Super Network… Gallery… Art… is… a thing… on the internet.” REAL TESTIMONIAL FROM RESPECTED TOP SERBO-CROAT MONTHLY ART BULLET.

We have the use of prestige white wall spaces for you to hiring at almost not high cost of UNDER $9000 in art capitals YORK YORKSHIRE, LONDON ONTARIO, PARIS TEXAS and CROATIA CROATIA plus the talks and testimonials from several artists who are not insane and from our friends who are also not criminals or liars and we will send threat emails and complain it’s not fair if you say they are criminals or liars.

Zagreb

Zagreb Is nice art place*.
* (Supper Artit’s Gallery Network Head Quarters not in Zagreb.)

STEALTH VACATION ART RESIDENCY, SOMEWHERE SUNNY

Payments made to artist: none

Paid by artist: accommodation, studio, travel, subsistence, materials

Other support: none. We might give you a torn old map or something if you make it here alive from the airport 300km away. There’s only one bus per day to our nearest stop (15km from the studio), underneath a motorway exit ramp. That’s where all the most raddled, terrifying hookers, drug dealers, gang members and meth fiends will be hanging out at 3am which is the earliest you’re likely to arrive.

Application fee €50

Cynical exploitative bullshitting liars with spare rooms will facilitate 1-3 month residencies by deluded individuals who think they’re artists but are really just dabbling hobbyists rich enough to fuck their actual employment (if any) off so they can go on extended vacation to a bourgeois holiday camp where they get to pretend for a few weeks or months that they have the slightest notion of what being an artist is really about.

Please submit your application fee, then upload a CV and up to three examples of your work as ridiculously small JPGs (or 8 seconds of video in RealNetworks format if your practice is time-based or involves performance) to our barely functional online submission platform, as if we were selecting you for your talent or the artistic merit of your work rather than just your willingness and ability to hand over hundreds or thousands of euros for terrible, primitive facilities and shitty treatment you wouldn’t put up with if you were on a proper holiday.

Deadline is rolling, like us in your money. A limited number of vacancies have recently become available for February-January, apply now to secure your place.

amoxostos_01

Your studio is just 1.5 hours uphill by bicycle from this spot!

TRUMPTON FESTIVAL OF VIDEO & PERFORMANCE

Unpaid, administration fee £15

Taking place at the Old Fire Station in Trumpton and various other Trumpton venues.

Keywords or themes for this year’s festival: pretentious / stupid / self-indulgence / bottled beer in a plastic bucket /  incomprehensible grainy documentation of pointless acts or interventions / scrawny second year undergraduate boys showing their penis / shot with an iPhone and edited with iMovie on a brand new top of the range MacBook Pro / grown women with adolescent body image issues / 1960s or 1970s pastiche (Marina Abramovic, Joseph Beuys, Chris Burden, Yoko Ono, etc.) / not as interesting as YouTube.

Site specific proposals for Camberwick Green’s historic village hall will be particularly welcomed even though nobody except us will bother coming to see whatever you do because our publicity and organisational skills are non-existent except for going on Facebook the day before and begging people to attend.

Unfortunately on this occasion these opportunities are unpaid and we won’t even give you a free beer as a token gesture because we don’t really care about you. We are an artist-run festival so we have made the administration fee as high as we think we can get away with given the fact that we don’t really do any admin because we’re all virtually innumerate. We also rely on artists being desperate attention whores, deluded about the importance of their work being seen, and stupid about money, or our festival couldn’t go ahead!

Trumpton Festival of Video & Performance is funded by Arts Council England’s Grants for the Arts on the basis of us cynically paying lip service to community engagement, and a totally fictitious budget that looks good on paper but couldn’t possibly cover the cost of everything we promised in our proposal document. We paid off our overdrafts and bought some old wigs from the charity shop, though.

Trumpton

‘My dick’ (2012), intervention by Jack Trustfund-Saint Martins at Trumpton Festival of Video & Performance 2012.

Update: How not to be one of these arseholes.

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10 Responses to “ARTIST OPPORTUNITIES MAY 2013”

  1. Gary Thomas 22/05/2013 at 6:32 PM #

    Here’s something about a recent call for animators..from the Cabinet Office.. http://www.animationallianceuk.org/opportunity-not/

    • Alistair 22/05/2013 at 6:55 PM #

      The Cabinet Office’s response to complaints about asking for unpaid work is also pathetic. Easy for them to say they respect creative professionals; everybody says that kind of thing, then goes ahead with treating us badly anyway.
      How much does somebody who works in the CO get paid and claim on expenses? And how long would they (or could they) keep on showing up for work if they were told it was good experience so they shouldn’t expect to be paid?

  2. Gillian Mciver 23/05/2013 at 11:37 AM #

    brilliant. Sickening but brilliant. More accurate than a diamond cutter.

  3. Alistair 26/05/2013 at 1:45 PM #

    Reblogged this on Alistair Gentry.

  4. liberatedape 11/06/2013 at 3:42 PM #

    Oh yeah. Been there, seen that, thankfully never paid the bloody admin fee.

  5. mari french 18/06/2013 at 8:28 PM #

    thanks for such an entertaining and on-the-mark blog. it’s been a while since I cried with laughter.

  6. anitachowdry 22/06/2013 at 5:46 PM #

    This is the most incisive, accurate, intelligent and entertaining commentary I have ever seen! Brilliant!

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