28 Apr



I love receiving unsolicited enticements to spend £28 a year for an online portfolio site that has no professional standing or provenance and looks like crap. Even better when it’s written in pidgin English by a company apparently based in London. Better still when I’ve asked them to unsubscribe me at least three times. I’m not sure if “Robert” really exists or if he really has a literacy age of eleven, so for now it suffices to say that there’s often a very good reason for unsolicited communications seeming like the work of a simpleton. Won’t you join me as I tally all the grammatical mistakes and logical errors in this one short piece of marketing?

Hello alistair gentry

Thanks to all participants we are now able to offer a professional portfolio and there are no more application’s fees to participate in all our selections.

I can’t really process the connection between the front and back halves of this sentence. It’s non sequitur, a loop of illogic. If they are “now” able to offer professional portfolios due to participants, then what were they offering before? If they were unable to offer professional portfolios without all participants, how did they get from that situation without offering portfolios of which all the participants could avail themselves and therefore enable the offering of portfolios, which was already happening anyway? Of course there’s also the matter of “application’s fees”. The application owns the fees?  It’s rare for a person with a high school education to commit a shopkeeper’s apostrophe error and an erroneous plural in the same sentence, let alone the same word, but our “Robert” has done us proud. I might be wrongly and naively assuming that a person who does marketing has a high school level of education, though.

Get your membership and your online portfolio for £28 per year to participate for free in all our selections to exhibit in LONDON, NEW YORK and BERLIN as well as all forthcoming new projects and increase your visibility among over 55000 art lovers and collectors.

£28 to participate for free? I bought this car for £10,000 and I got the wheels, the engine, the tyres, the chassis, the interior fittings and all the other mechanical components free! This is doublespeak, war is peace, like something out of 1984. I mean the book, not the year, in case anybody else is like Robert and failed English Lit. It’s not free if you paid for it, even if you paid for it indirectly. Incidentally, UK Trading Standards regulations forbid offering “free” goods or services that you pay for indirectly by a premium on other goods or services, i.e. items that are hidden costs and not really free. In addition, if you read very carefully you realise that what’s being offered is not– as a casual reader might think– free participation in the exhibitions, but free participation in the selection process for the exhibitions.

LONDON, NEW YORK and BERLIN are so important they have to be CAPITALISED. Just look at the magic city names LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN and don’t think about the fact that you will not have anything to do with the genuine art scene as such in these cities, just think of being in LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN and having the lifestyle of a globetrotting international artist of mystery in LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN.

Unsupported and unattributed figures like “55000 art lovers and collectors” [sic] are also great, aren’t they? Obviously it’s not important to state how this number was derived and by whom. Just look at the high number, don’t question it.

London Calling 014 1st deadline expires the 30th April.

The spam was sent out on the 27th April. Again, this is a common tactic and not always mere incompetence. It’s often a crass but widespread and depressingly effective pressure sales ruse. Oh no, I only have a few days to leap into this opportunity without thinking it through, or it will be gone forever!

The participation is automatic for all members who own a portfolio on the Factory-Art website.

The space dedicated to London Calling 014 is an amazing huge 8,192 sq foot (760 m2) open space. It has already hosted New Sensations by Charles Saatchi and a Madonna’s fashion exhibition.

It’s amazing huge and proper massive, innit? I wonder which madonna held a fashion exhibition there? Robert’s such a tease.


London Calling 014 will have 3 cutting edge neighbours same time events: The Others art fair, Moniker art fair and Kinetica art fair with which it will share the opening evening at The Truman Brewery – Brick Lane – London E1, next October.

Surely having cutting edge neighbours is counterproductive? They keep cutting your edges off and reducing the size of your territory. I think the reference is to my pals The Other Art Fair and not to an art fair based on the Nicole Kidman haunted house movie. Moniker I’d never heard of, but they seem to be of the OAF’s ilk and “share their space”, whatever that means. “Cutting edge neighbours same time events” has the ring of genuine Japlish nonsense, as one might see on a flier for a dodgy club in Tokyo. Please enjoyment of special art time chez nous please.

London, as always during the Frieze week, will be a swarm of collectors and art lovers from all over the world that will gather here more and more numerous in October. We hope with this event to show a high level of artists as always we do in our exhibitions

We are looking forward to seeing your portfolio!

​Factory-Art Ltd
207 Regent Street – London​

“A swarm of collectors” is inadvertently apt in its verminous implications, as is the fractured English and quasi-Biblical “gather here more and more numerous”. London is like that, especially when the world’s leading art world scumbags, old money Eurotrash, nouveau riche Eastern Bloc warlords, Bilderberg genocides and corporate criminals arrive for something like Frieze, which is on the international circuit of social events for them all. After the swarm of collectors comes darkness, then the deaths of all the firstborn. Luckily all the artists are of high level, with all the available power ups and double XP. FIGHT!


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please reply NO in the subject line to this email.


2 Responses to “F-ART”

  1. Alistair 12/05/2014 at 11:25 PM #

    Reblogged this on Alistair Gentry.

  2. Alistair 16/06/2014 at 10:19 PM #

    They still spam me with minor variations on the idiotic email described here, no matter how often I tell them to unsubscribe me. In fact, like real CUSTOM MEDS/XXX Hot Signals in Yr Area/Etc spammers, unsubscribe requests seem to just spur them on to spam me even more.

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