TOP TEN THINGS TO SEE AT THE VENICE BIENNALE 2015

5 May

Aper

PPBorborygmusArtCriticBY GUEST CRITIC PP BORBORYGMUS, CONTEMPORARY ART CORRESPONDENT AT LARGE FOR TEMPORARY CON ART MAGAZINE

1. THE FRIEZE PARTY

It’s fabulous because hardly anybody can get in, so no riff-raff will be there to see you trash the place and talk shit about the person you’ll then turn right around to, air kiss and and be all smiles with. You’ll see lots of peons outside, though, trying to blag their way in as you sail through like an oligarch’s yacht (see No. 2) deliberately ramming a Mediterranean immigrant raft. That’ll show them who’s important and who isn’t. Matthew Slotover is a darling and almost never strangles people then stuffs them into weighted suitcases to dump into the lagoon from the back of a water taxi in the middle of the night a bit like that chap in American Psycho. Don’t forget to appreciate his tasteful business card and you should be fine.

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Matthew Slotover rarely does this.

2. PARTY ON AN OLIGARCH’S YACHT

It’s fabulous because everybody is incredibly rich. There are always a few yachts docked beside or crashed into the front walls of Venice’s historic palazzi. Oili Massovoye-Ubiystvic’s über-yacht is the crème de la crème; it’s forty storeys high, matte black, armed with mortars supplied by Poju Zabludowicz, and it has its own designer brig section for permanently imprisoning Middle Eastern refugee women who’ve been sold into sexual slavery. If you ever wondered about Venice parties having so many bevies of dazed, dopey, dusky twenty-two year olds in couture dresses, wonder no more. And the answers are yes, they come from O M-U’s sex brig; don’t worry, they probably won’t remember much because of the rohypnol; maybe, but don’t touch what you can’t afford because breakages must be paid for; no, the dresses don’t belong to them.

3. PARTY BY ONE OF THE COUNTRIES WHO HAD A BIG ENOUGH EMPIRE TO BE IN THE GIARDINI

Get there reasonably early because sometimes they’re a bit stingy with the free nibbles and drinkies. Something to do with tax payers’ money? You might be surprised how many tax payers you actually know, so just get as much down you as possible and politely pass over the tricky subject of who pays for all this stuff. Grab a whole bottle from a passing tray if you can. On the plus side you can probably tick off a lot of these little ones in very quick succession, so they work as a delightful if sometimes unpleasantly democratic pre-party for the main attraction which is obviously the Frieze party, oligarch yacht hopping, Lady Gaga’s party (see No. 4), or preferably all three.

4. LADY GAGA’S PARTY

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Expect to see Marina and Klaus here, and of course Lady herself. Probably wearing odd socks gaffer-taped over her breasts, rubber fishing waders and a wig made of condensed children. Other celebrity art parties worth getting into are the ones held by Leo DiCaprio, Kim Jong Un and Wesley Snipes, and Sister Wendy. The Sister Wendy preparty preview afterparty party at Palazzo Notapalazzo in 2013 was utterly epic. Half of its guests are still in rehab, undergoing psychiatric treatment in hospital, or brain dead and on life support because Tracey Emin persuaded them to take vast quantities of hand sanitiser intravenously after the wine ran out.

5. RYAN GANDER

Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander. Ryan Gander.

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Ryan Gander gonna Ryan Gander.

6. RYAN GANDER’S PARTY

Nobody comes to Ryan Gander’s party because nobody really likes Ryan Gander and nobody (including and perhaps especially Ryan Gander) understands what the fuck Ryan Gander’s work is meant to be about, but say you were there or you’re dead to the art world darling.

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7. CHARLES SAATCHI’S PARTY

Wear a high collar or some very robust jewellery around your neck (like Anita in the pic, well played our Nita) in case C-Saat decides to “emphasise a point” for you. Don’t wear a tie or a scarf if you know what’s good for you, and don’t mention Nigella! The current Bride of Chucky is some other woman off the telly. He finds real women inconvenient because he can’t mute them or switch them off with a remote control.

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Anita Saatchi and Charles Zabludowicz.

8. ANITA’S ART PARTY

All the other parties are inside this one like when somebody in a film wakes up from a nightmare, but they haven’t really woken up and they’re still in a nightmare. Every single person who is invited never fails to attend because Anita’s husband Poju sends the “invitations” by way of musclebound 6’5″ Israeli mercenaries with ominous square bulges inside their tracksuit tops. These “assistants” introduce themselves by saying they’re trained in Krav Maga and torture that doesn’t leave a mark, oh and Anita and Poju request the pleasure of your company at a little get-together they’re having on the yacht.

9. SOMEBODY WHO IS AN ARTIST AND AFRICAN OR FROM THE MIDDLE EAST OR MAYBE AN ABORIGINE OR SOMETHING, WHO KNOWS?

It’s an installation in an old broom cupboard up three flights of stairs. Didn’t understand it but it’s all very jolly and vibrant. They don’t have very much money over there. Awfully brave of them. They tried so hard. Artist is a dark-skinned fellow. Or might be a lady, can’t quite remember. He (or she) didn’t have a party, which is a missed opportunity. What were they thinking? These people also sell handbags and scarves on the dinky little bridges, work in hotels, or serve you drinks at a party. Adorable.

10. ART BY OTHER ARTISTS WHO DON’T LOOK LIKE ETHNICS, BUT SOME OF THEM ARE FROM COUNTRIES WHOSE LOCATION IS A MYSTERY TO YOU

That stuff on the walls or cluttering up the floors at your wonderful party? It’s very likely that it was art, because there always seem to be loads of art works around at the Biennale for some reason. I’m still waiting for somebody to explain this strange fact to me. What’s all this art doing here?! I guess you could probably buy some of it or show it at your art gallery if you wanted? You almost certainly put a wine glass down on some of this art, or knocked it over and broke it. Probably best not to worry about it too much, though. Have another spritz before you sober up.

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One Response to “TOP TEN THINGS TO SEE AT THE VENICE BIENNALE 2015”

  1. Alistair 21/05/2015 at 3:00 PM #

    Reblogged this on Alistair Gentry.

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