TOP TEN THINGS TO SEE AT EDINBURGH FRINGE 2015!

7 Aug

PPBorborygmusArtCriticBY GUEST CRITIC JJ GOUT-HOUSEBOAT, FRINGE THEATRE CORRESPONDENT AT LARGE FOR A MAGAZINE THAT NEVER NORMALLY BOTHERS WITH THEATRE OR PERFORMANCE ART BUT HE’S IN A NICE HOTEL, ALL EXPENSES PAID IN EDINBURGH FOR A WEEK ANYWAY.

Buckfast001

  1. Four 22 year olds who graduated from Cambridge and Footlights last year, with Tory hair, brand new iPhones, and tiny, very tight trousers they can only pull about halfway towards their crotches. What’s their show about? Doesn’t matter! They’ll have a series on the BBC and be in every weekend supplement within twelve months anyway. Tough shit, peasant. Just give up now!
  2. A version of a classic play you hated because you were forced to study it at school, that a theatre company tries to trick you into liking by “reinventing” it as funny, contemporary, etc. Failing that, it will be exactly the same as any other production except for no good reason it’s in New Guinea pidgin, Mandarin Chinese, Esperanto, or some other language few people in the audience are likely to understand! None of the actors are being paid but one night the director will buy them all chips and two battered sausages from a chip shop near the shockingly overpriced flat in Wester Hailes they rented from an opportunistic local!
  3. Something shocking and controversial about a shocking, controversial subject that has never been broached in drama or art LIKE EVER, such as war, abortion, and so forth! None of the actors are being paid!
  4. A comedian angling for a seat on a shitty comedy panel TV programme, who doesn’t really give a toss about the audience except for when they give him or her an opportunity to use one of their pre-written putdowns or heckler-stoppers! Or some high concept standup by a still quite young but totally raddled comedian who already has or used to have a TV show on the BBC or Channel 4, but nobody watches it!
  5. Performance artist who is reducing herself or himself to penury before your very eyes just to be there in the hope of getting some kind of big break, even though you don’t know it and wouldn’t care if you did know! She or he is not only not being paid, but also accumulating more debt by the minute! So are 95% of the other performers and directors in Fringe shows!
  6. Clown, acrobatic or mime show with edgy, urban marketing to make you think it isn’t just a circus act! Surprise! It’s a circus act! JokerMimes
  7. Massive production that shouldn’t really be on the fringe but is good for PR and a loss leader for all the other crap that hardly anybody will bother seeing! The actors are being paid slightly less than Equity minimum! One of them has played a hospital patient in Holby City!
  8. Show that only people who work in theatre and/or the media care about or understand. No civilians present or wanted! The performers don’t need to be paid because their partners have proper jobs, most likely proper jobs in theatre or the media!
  9. Recycled touring show from five years ago by a dead-eyed, palpably bored and burnt out theatre company, none of whom are being paid!
  10. One man show about something geeky like Star Wars or Game of Thrones, with a punning title and a poster upon which the one man takes what will probably be his only opportunity to dress up as Princess Leia or whoever! He thinks he’s going to be paid, but he isn’t!
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2 Responses to “TOP TEN THINGS TO SEE AT EDINBURGH FRINGE 2015!”

  1. anitachowdry 07/08/2015 at 3:51 PM #

    Ooh you grumpy old man!

    • Alistair 07/08/2015 at 6:10 PM #

      You say the kindest things. Bless you, Anita.

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