Tag Archives: arts jobs


18 Dec


“Being an Artistic and Quality Assessor for Arts Council England,” I thought. “That might be an interesting job to do.” No, I really did. I know it’s sick. What’s an Artistic and Quality Assessor, though?

“Experienced cultural professionals [who] work with the Arts Council to contribute towards the assessment of arts organisations and museums. We will be asking you to undertake assessments of the work of Arts Council funded organisations across England.

Artistic and Quality Assessments provide a fair, robust and transparent platform for discussions about the quality of work produced by organisations that the Arts Council regularly funds, helping the Arts Council develop a broader evidence base to inform funding decisions…”

I’m an experienced cultural professional. Despite my opinion that ACE is far from perfect, they make an embarassing number of idiotic and non evidence-based policy blunders, they waste a lot of money and prioritise wrongly while harping on about cuts, and they need to just get on with rebalancing funding away from London instead of always blustering and quibbling every time the issue is raised (being able to see a play from the National Theatre that’s on for one midweek afternoon on a cinema screen in Ipswich or Wolverhampton doesn’t count)… broadly speaking I think the Arts Council makes a reasonable attempt at supporting the arts in England. I’m glad they exist, and I’d happily work with them or consult with them directly if they cared about people like me and our opinions. The AQA specification all sounds fair enough, but it also sounds like quite a lot of work. It must pay very well, especially on the “comprehensive terms contract”. I mean, you’re an expert in your field; an experienced artist, a journalist, somebody who works in a museum, an academic, etc. Artists and arts workers definitely should be assessed fairly and transparently by knowledgeable colleagues and peers who know what the job is like. You’ll be doing important work and writing reports that could influence the future programming and even the financial survival of the Arts Council’s regularly funded organisations.


Oh, wait…

“A flat fee of £1,000 a year, plus expenses” if you attend up to fourteen events. That’s £71.42 per gig. I actually had to do this three times on the calculator. Not that I thought the answer would be any different; I was just completely failing to deal with reality being so crap. It might be worth it if you only went to two or three things, but I can’t see them letting you get away with that.

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30 Sep

Oscillating between ham and lettuce, this work investigates the fundamental dichotomy of the “hand made” and the mass produced commodity object. This artist’s work has a feminist subtext that hovers at the edge of our perception while paradoxically foregrounding traditions of feminine domestic practice.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the word “artist” has been so repeatedly gangbanged in recent years and its openings are so stretched out that it can accommodate almost anyone or anything now… and therefore it means almost nothing. A friend (who actually is an artist of the increasingly rare kind who makes art) recently received an email from a job mailing list, featuring this astounding opportunity for an artist:

Sandwich Artist Subway – Subway is now hiring for full and part time Sandwich Artists. Duties will include: Prep, making sandwich and customer service. We provide uniforms. No experience required… Salary is based on experience, we have great opportunities for advancement! Positions available immediately.

Yes, the word “artist” can now accomodate six inches of bread, generic processed mystery meats and your choice of salad. Or you can try a foot long, if you’re really a sad old size queen. What, you thought I was going to write about Subway without six inches or twelve innuendo? I bear no animosity whatsoever towards the people who do this job, but serving food can be a horrible, demoralising occupation. I don’t see why the poor bastards have to be lumbered with being “artists”, too. It’s worse than somebody who makes coffee in Starbucks being called a barista.

You may assume this is just some overzealous David Brent-alike local manager being a pretentious twat, but “Sandwich Artist” is actually the franchise company’s (trademarked, as if anybody would want to steal it) official terminology for the people who make sandwiches in their shops. So it’s Subway brand owners Doctor’s Associates who are being pretentious twats at the corporate level. I like the way Wikipedia notes, deadpan, that “Doctor’s Associates is not affiliated with, nor endorsed by, any medical organization.” Imagine my surprise.

Sandwich Artists™ have a positive outlook, thrive in a busy work environment and are keen to learn the art of great sandwich making. You will work well as part of a team, making delicious sandwiches to customer requirements. You will be responsible for serving customers, following health and safety procedures, and keeping the store clean.

So in future, when you want to experience art don’t bother with stupid old art galleries. The real artists are team players who are keen to learn the art of great sandwich making.


17 May


Unpaid, submission is FREE!!!

Irrelevant, ugly new art magazine/art and lifestyle blog seeking submissions of 3,000-5,000 word articles for its next issue. Please submit your text, plus a CV and two examples of your previous professional writing from a major publisher or magazine we’d really prefer to be working for. All entries must be sent in a format that suits us because we’re really lazy but is incredibly inconvenient and aggravating to you, such as a single PDF compiled from various documents of different sizes, shapes and file types. Please also fill in our application form (download hidden in a cryptic sidebar somewhere on our site) even though it has numerous inexcusable spelling mistakes and totally screwed up formatting so you have to basically type the whole thing out from scratch just so anybody stands a chance of being able to read or understand it.

Your published work will be read by literally ten people, only one of whom even slightly cares about it, and we won’t think to give you a free copy of the magazine or invite you to the party we’re having to launch it. Deadline: tomorrow, 8.30 am.

UPDATE: due to absolutely no interest, deadline extended to the day after tomorrow, 7.30am!


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