Tag Archives: götterdämmerung

MULTIPLE SLASHES ARE SOUGHT AFTER

2 Feb

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I can’t believe they’re talking about this shit with a straight face” of the week goes to a recent article on Artsy (aforementioned) on ‘The Secrets of Art Pricing‘. If they’re meant to be secret, should you really be telling us? Never mind.

Submarkets for individual artists, and markets within different periods for those artists, require their own brand of unique pricing lore. Case in point is the oeuvre of Lucio Fontana, who began puncturing the surface of paper or canvas in the late 1940s, developing the idea over the next two decades. “At different times, different colors are more or less popular,” wrote Melanie Gerlis, Art Market Editor at The Art Newspaper, in her 2014 book Art as an Investment?, referring to Fontana. According to Fontana specialist Luigi Mazzoleni, founding director of Mazzoleni London, “regarding the slashes,” the most popular colors on the market are white and red. Various other factors also come into play. He added, “The quality of the cut is very important as this gives a different rhythm and effect to the canvas. The quantity of cut is also important. A single cut is very minimalist and therefore very sought after, but multiple slashes are also sought after on the international market.”

“Unique pricing lore”? Are you a wizard? As for Mr Mazzoleni, a single kick up the arse is very minimalist, but I think with the way he’s talking he is really seeking multiple kicks up the arse with a pointed shoe. Anyway, just in case you were in any doubt, the content, beauty, emotion, craft and artistry of your art are not important at all. It’s all about being red or white, and the slashes.

slash1

“GLORIFIED SHOPPING MALLS”

27 Jan

Some magnificent verbal kamikaze quotes from Australian gallerist Evan Hughes, on the occasion of closing down the business founded by his father and then run by himself.

Top Sydney gallerist launches blistering attack on the art world

PRODUCT FOR DICKHEADS

ArtWorldDickheadsE_Hughes

“… It was almost as if we were given permission to declare that the art world had been taken over by dickheads. Too much of the commercial art trade has become about the selling of product and the accumulation of capital, much to the confusion and disillusionment of young artists. “

REALISTIC PORTRAITURE

Greedy_EHughes

A commission for Malcolm Turnbull, Australian prime minister: “In the 1990s, when Malcolm was still a merchant banker, the Turnbull family commissioned one of my father’s artists, Lewis Miller, to paint a portrait of Malcolm. Unhappy with the work, Turnbull confronted my father at a function and exclaimed: “That artist of yours is no good; he’s made me look like a big, fat, greedy cunt”, to which my father replied, “He is a realist painter, you know”. “

WWAVD?

TackyMailOrder_EHughes

“I suddenly asked myself: “Would Vollard be doing art fairs and Artsy?” Maybe he would; we didn’t want to.” He’s referring to the French art dealer Ambroise Vollard, who supported many artists when they needed it most. As for Artsy… mmm… yeah…

GLORIFIED SHOPPING MALLS

ArtFairs_EHughes

“…It was just depressing to realise that the art trade is now centred on glorified shopping malls run by quasi-property developers (art fairs) and tacky mail-order firms (internet enterprises).”

PSY-CHOTIC BREAK

14 Nov

… is one of the possible reasons why all the people appear to have lost control over basic motor skills as well as their damn minds in the aforementioned Anish Kapoor and Friends [sic] video, making the most of the inexplicable craze for Gangnam Style a few years ago. Like your grandad realising several years after the fact what twerking is or what whippits are, so he keeps saying “twerking” or “whippits” all the time and nudging you because he’d like you to admit he’s totally with it and hasn’t lost his touch. Anyway, dance along like a toddler to some horrifying GIFs from Anish Kapoor and his imaginary friends.

 Gallerinas

Firstly some box-fresh gallerinas, straight from the Gallery Maid factory’s affordable basic range. Jackie O bug shades? Yes. Short dress over black tights? Yes. Straight, shoulder length hair? Yes. Moves like granny? No, granny’s actually a better dancer. I never heard of Gladstone Gallery before. Understand? I NEVER HEARD OF YOU. And I’ve only heard of about six of the artists they represent. Well done, ladies. Keep up the little-to-no work.

W_E_Gladstone_and_Dorothy_Drew

“Grandad? When I grow up, I want to put my glasses on top of my head and glower at gallery visitors over a very high white counter.”

SaatchiMiniMe

Does anybody know who this little herbert is, with his pompadour, his air tie and his Matalan suit? Looks like a mini-me of noted feminist Charles Saatchi.

WTFTumblr

Here’s a contribution from that well-known art world luminary, Tumblr. One beer (seen here, bottom left) and Mr Tumblr is straight onto the dance floor, delivering black eyes, an elbow in the breasts, or knocked out teeth to anyone within striking distance. One beer and he’s even straight onto the dance floor when there’s no dance floor or music. Thanks to your bedroom dance sessions, young master Tumblr, Ai Wei Wei is free! But you’d better scrub the wall before mum comes up to tell you to turn the music off, or she’ll be furious.

To be fair, this clip does sum up Tumblr pretty well.

StrippersForFreeSpeech

Stripper dance moves for free speech, because nothing says “important campaign to raise awareness of state oppression and censorship” better than dry humping a pensioner.

JustNo

I warn you now, henceforth I’m going to use this GIF every time I mention Anish Kapoor. Go home, sunshine. You’re drunk.

RACHMAN STYLE*

13 Nov
PSY-gangnam-style-33209760-1320-743

Ehhhhhh… nasty landlord.

(* Link for those too young and/or too not from London to get this reference.)

South Korean pop star PSY, of Gangnam Style infamy, is not only trying to force an artist-led organisation out of a building he owns in the gentrifying Hannamdong neighbourhood of Seoul (so he can renovate it, presumably for higher rents) but has also launched defamation lawsuits against four of the artists for publicising his actions and criticising him. Don’t like going viral quite so much when it doesn’t flatter you, Mr Park?

Of course this is just one of many instances of the same crap that is happening in London and in other major cities in the developed world; as the rich get richer and the poor get punished, artists, the low paid and even reasonably well-salaried key workers like nurses and teachers are being exiled from the cities where they’re particularly needed and supposedly wanted while urban cores become little more than desolate stacks of steel and glass investment boxes for the Haves.

All this came to my attention via a story at Hyperallergic about an unspeakably ghastly KRW 418 million (£236,800 or $361,000) Gangnam Style sculpture planned for the eponymous district of Seoul. Somebody should tell these property developers that viral YouTube hits are often really hard to explain even at the time, let alone in a few years when everyone will be saying “Si who? Horse riding hands? What?”

Talking of PSY and WTF-ness, it is perhaps telling that Amnesty International appear to have deleted the page on their site that formerly pertained to the Gangnam for Freedom video made in 2012 by Anish Kapoor and Friends [sic… obviously he doesn’t have any friends]. You can watch it if you like. I can’t watch it again. I just can’t. It’s so embarrassing it makes my whole face invert and my testicles retract all the way up into my lungs. The Chinese government was obviously rocked by Kapoor and overpaid staff members from irrelevant 1% bauble galleries like the Serpentine and MoMA dancing like toddlers to a novelty record about chatting up an attractive woman* and that’s why they immediately let Ai Wei Wei and other people who are actually serious dissidents out of… oh, wait. No they didn’t. THEY DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT AND JUST KEPT ON OPPRESSING ARTISTS, JOURNALISTS, ACTIVISTS AND AUTHORS WITH COMPLETE IMPUNITY.

And now the video is overlaid with the irony that PSY accuses artists who criticise him of libel and takes them to court.

(I know, by the way, that Kapoor and Friends were responding to a video by Ai Wei Wei which also (mis)used Gangnam Style… his video was also lame, embarrassing and demonstrated a high schooler’s level of political and artistic sophistication.)

UPDATE, December 2015:

Über-LOL at the video– which had been there since 2012, mostly unseen and always unloved– mysteriously disappearing within a few weeks of me blogging about it. I think people still don’t believe me when I say that the art world top table grownups read this blog, but they are totally hate-reading it all the time. Although ultimately I think it’s better if nobody else ever has to watch the video because it’s so sphincter-puckeringly ghastly, I also can’t help feeling it’s a shame the video is gone now. Thanks for reading, though, Big A! Keep on dancing like you forgot what arms are, you dotty old thing.

(More GIFs from the video here.)

JustNo

(* English translation of the Gangnam Style lyrics. Why bother using an instrumental version– which exists, because I checked– to avoid conflicting messages, when lyrics like these go so perfectly with a protest about freedom of speech? The answer is that Anish Kapoor and Friends are intellectual pygmies and hacks, probably.

Beautiful, loveable
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Beautiful, loveable
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Now lets go until the end

Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style
Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style
Uncle is Gangnam style

Eh- Sexy Lady, Uncle is Gangnam style
Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh

A girl who looks quiet but plays when she plays
A girl who puts her hair down when the right time comes
A girl who covers herself but is more sexy than a girl who bares it all
A sensible girl like that

I’m a guy
A guy who seems calm but plays when he plays
A guy who goes completely crazy when the right time comes
A guy who has bulging ideas rather than muscles
That kind of guy.)

9 MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT MARINA ABRAMOVIĆ THAT WILL SURPRISE YOU

10 Nov
Abramovic

BONUS fun fact: Marina’s head is actually very loosely balanced on her neck and it could fall off at any time!

Here are nine more facts about Madge Ab that will surprise you and fun you, inspired by this listicle of great importance which is definitely not filler hackwork at Artnet News, in which we learn that the “grandmother of performance art”* did performance art at a museum, her mother didn’t like seeing pictures of her daughter’s breasts, and she affects not to like being famous despite gleefully hanging out with the Beyoncé family and Lady Gaga. None of these are particularly surprising or fun facts and nor are the other six “fun”, “surprising” facts surprising or fun, but what can you do? Clickbait headlines gonna bait clicks.

* Not the nice grandmother, the other grandmother that the mother and grandchildren of performance art would really like to get put away in a care home for her own good because she’s always been a bit unhinged with a nasty streak but now she insists on getting her tits out, telling everyone how when she was a girl she used to eat sawdust soup every day and it never did her any harm, making sexual advances to furniture, and ranting that everyone should stop staring at her even though she does everything possible to seek attention.

1. Her body is made of Play Doh and cannot be destroyed!

Repairing herself is a simple matter of squashing the bits back together. Abramović occasionally stains upholstery or sticks to carpets, and may become dry and brittle if left out too long. She should never be consumed even though she smells like cake. Her face, however, is made of papier-mache and needs to be replaced every few days. It has become less realistic over the past few decades, and the artist herself has said “I don’t want realistic face because this word realistic I hate, it spell out ‘real I stick’ and I get the lifelong dislike of real stick from my mother who I think never love me. Ha ha.”

2 If all her ideas were laid out end to end, they would reach almost halfway from the doors of New York’s MoMA on West 53rd Street to the kerb!

3 She is a huge fan of Magic Roundabout, Jamie and the Magic Torch, Chorlton and the Wheelies, and other British children’s television shows from the 1970s!

Abramović says, “I don’t know why nobody has noticed that they are so trippy, it seem people who make shows are on drug. Perhaps because I am artist I notice this thing.”

4 In another unexpected connection to children’s television, Abramović was due to guest star in the third series of Fraggle Rock, but all her scenes ended up on the cutting room floor!

When asked why, the late Jim Henson would always just shake his head sadly but not answer.

Fraggle-Rock

5 When you point at something, Abramović always looks at the end of your finger instead of the item you are indicating!

6 Abramović has all her emails typed out on paper by an assistant, photographed and developed as daguerreotypes by another assistant, transcribed by a third assistant and then finally sent via Hotmail by Abramović clicking with her finger over the assistant’s finger on the mouse!

She says, “I have sacrificed the direct communication by force of my art, some people cannot cope with this I know but is like essential act for serenity of my finger.”

7 Sometimes, when a person complains about Abramović talking with her mouth full, she shows them the semi-masticated, unswallowed food in it and laughs!

8 There is a time travelling cyborg version of Marina Abramović but she and Abramović Prime have been forbidden to ever meet each other by officials from NASA and the CIA!

Abramović’s only public comment on the subject came during her recent Q&A with Justin Bieber at Harvard: “This to me is like fascism. I am serious artist or something and so I think I can decide if spacetime continuum totally collapse or not because of my action! Ha ha.”

Terminator

9 She says “newkiller” instead of “nuclear” and “expresso” instead of “espresso”, and she doesn’t even understand why people keep correcting her!

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