Tag Archives: Marina Abramović


10 Nov

BONUS fun fact: Marina’s head is actually very loosely balanced on her neck and it could fall off at any time!

Here are nine more facts about Madge Ab that will surprise you and fun you, inspired by this listicle of great importance which is definitely not filler hackwork at Artnet News, in which we learn that the “grandmother of performance art”* did performance art at a museum, her mother didn’t like seeing pictures of her daughter’s breasts, and she affects not to like being famous despite gleefully hanging out with the Beyoncé family and Lady Gaga. None of these are particularly surprising or fun facts and nor are the other six “fun”, “surprising” facts surprising or fun, but what can you do? Clickbait headlines gonna bait clicks.

* Not the nice grandmother, the other grandmother that the mother and grandchildren of performance art would really like to get put away in a care home for her own good because she’s always been a bit unhinged with a nasty streak but now she insists on getting her tits out, telling everyone how when she was a girl she used to eat sawdust soup every day and it never did her any harm, making sexual advances to furniture, and ranting that everyone should stop staring at her even though she does everything possible to seek attention.

1. Her body is made of Play Doh and cannot be destroyed!

Repairing herself is a simple matter of squashing the bits back together. Abramović occasionally stains upholstery or sticks to carpets, and may become dry and brittle if left out too long. She should never be consumed even though she smells like cake. Her face, however, is made of papier-mache and needs to be replaced every few days. It has become less realistic over the past few decades, and the artist herself has said “I don’t want realistic face because this word realistic I hate, it spell out ‘real I stick’ and I get the lifelong dislike of real stick from my mother who I think never love me. Ha ha.”

2 If all her ideas were laid out end to end, they would reach almost halfway from the doors of New York’s MoMA on West 53rd Street to the kerb!

3 She is a huge fan of Magic Roundabout, Jamie and the Magic Torch, Chorlton and the Wheelies, and other British children’s television shows from the 1970s!

Abramović says, “I don’t know why nobody has noticed that they are so trippy, it seem people who make shows are on drug. Perhaps because I am artist I notice this thing.”

4 In another unexpected connection to children’s television, Abramović was due to guest star in the third series of Fraggle Rock, but all her scenes ended up on the cutting room floor!

When asked why, the late Jim Henson would always just shake his head sadly but not answer.


5 When you point at something, Abramović always looks at the end of your finger instead of the item you are indicating!

6 Abramović has all her emails typed out on paper by an assistant, photographed and developed as daguerreotypes by another assistant, transcribed by a third assistant and then finally sent via Hotmail by Abramović clicking with her finger over the assistant’s finger on the mouse!

She says, “I have sacrificed the direct communication by force of my art, some people cannot cope with this I know but is like essential act for serenity of my finger.”

7 Sometimes, when a person complains about Abramović talking with her mouth full, she shows them the semi-masticated, unswallowed food in it and laughs!

8 There is a time travelling cyborg version of Marina Abramović but she and Abramović Prime have been forbidden to ever meet each other by officials from NASA and the CIA!

Abramović’s only public comment on the subject came during her recent Q&A with Justin Bieber at Harvard: “This to me is like fascism. I am serious artist or something and so I think I can decide if spacetime continuum totally collapse or not because of my action! Ha ha.”


9 She says “newkiller” instead of “nuclear” and “expresso” instead of “espresso”, and she doesn’t even understand why people keep correcting her!


16 Jun

“Hi, it’s Marina. Did the restraining order come through yet? Because I REALLY need it.”


Last week super creep (and scary monster) Adrian Searle– AKA The Guardian‘s art critic– burdened us with way too much information about his mental landscape in what was ostensibly a review of Marina Abramović’s summer residency at the Serpentine Gallery in London. He goes directly from thinking about his mother’s breast to Abramović. The face is up here, pal. He reminisces fondly about being manhandled by her on a previous occasion. He threatens to return again and again. He compares it to a prayer meeting, then in the same paragraph fantasises about her being a dominatrix and giving him a knee trembler outside because he’s deliberately been a “naughty boy”. On this evidence I advise you not to invite Adrian into your church, mosque or synagogue. He actually uses the term “Abramović stalkers”. It takes one to know one? Then he has another fantasy about Abramović being the late Pina Bausch, hopefully while she was still alive at least.

In short, just by touching his hand once the artist seems to have dredged up some very mucky psychosexual stuff from the Searle id. As I previously mentioned on Twitter, after reading it I felt dirty and I wanted to wash my eyeballs because it seemed pretty clear the Abramović experience was going into Searle’s wank bank. So I thought it was worthy of an Artbollocks Theatre Abramović Stalker Special, and with all due modesty I think it’s also my most BAFTA-worthy performance yet.


It’s not an impersonation of Searle because that would be boring. It’s my dramatic interpretation of the (sub)text because I’m an artist, darling. Not that there’s much sub here unless it’s in the BDSM sense; all the stuff that should be subtext is basically just text.

Incidentally, why do female artists still have to put up with this shit? I think Abramović is a ridiculous individual and nothing she’s done in the past thirty years has been in any way cogent or necessary. According to more than one informant, her attitude towards junior artists is exploitative and appalling. This particular work of hers sounds like a mediocre first year undergraduate drama intro for the least capable students, and indeed Searle is very close to saying so when he manages to stop drooling for a few seconds. Some people obviously really rate her, but that’s their problem.

Prerogative, I mean. It’s their prerogative.

All that said, for the purposes of what I’m about to write it doesn’t really matter what you think of her or of her work, not least because her work doesn’t matter any more and she’s just spinning her wheels as the world’s top Marina Abramović impersonator; but she’s appearing in public in a professional context and a male critic wouldn’t think it was acceptable or relevant to publicly demean an artist with his pervy fantasies in a national newspaper if the artist was a man.


13 Aug


Following her recent ouroboros of star-fuckery with Jay-Z at his minstrel show for New York city’s art royalty, insufferable has-been and exploiter/abuser of low paid performers at LA MOCA Marina Abramović (brilliantly and succinctly demolished by Hrag Vartanian in this article as “the art world’s version of late Elvis”) has recently engaged in another act of “Abramović Method” mirror-in-mirror narcissism with the prolifically untalented Lady Gaga. The original video is absolutely bloody ghastly and evokes every bad undergraduate performance art piece ever made, but luckily somebody jazzed it up a bit with a Yakety Sax soundtrack. Much better.

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