Tag Archives: spammers


28 Apr



I love receiving unsolicited enticements to spend £28 a year for an online portfolio site that has no professional standing or provenance and looks like crap. Even better when it’s written in pidgin English by a company apparently based in London. Better still when I’ve asked them to unsubscribe me at least three times. I’m not sure if “Robert” really exists or if he really has a literacy age of eleven, so for now it suffices to say that there’s often a very good reason for unsolicited communications seeming like the work of a simpleton. Won’t you join me as I tally all the grammatical mistakes and logical errors in this one short piece of marketing?

Hello alistair gentry

Thanks to all participants we are now able to offer a professional portfolio and there are no more application’s fees to participate in all our selections.

I can’t really process the connection between the front and back halves of this sentence. It’s non sequitur, a loop of illogic. If they are “now” able to offer professional portfolios due to participants, then what were they offering before? If they were unable to offer professional portfolios without all participants, how did they get from that situation without offering portfolios of which all the participants could avail themselves and therefore enable the offering of portfolios, which was already happening anyway? Of course there’s also the matter of “application’s fees”. The application owns the fees?  It’s rare for a person with a high school education to commit a shopkeeper’s apostrophe error and an erroneous plural in the same sentence, let alone the same word, but our “Robert” has done us proud. I might be wrongly and naively assuming that a person who does marketing has a high school level of education, though.

Get your membership and your online portfolio for £28 per year to participate for free in all our selections to exhibit in LONDON, NEW YORK and BERLIN as well as all forthcoming new projects and increase your visibility among over 55000 art lovers and collectors.

£28 to participate for free? I bought this car for £10,000 and I got the wheels, the engine, the tyres, the chassis, the interior fittings and all the other mechanical components free! This is doublespeak, war is peace, like something out of 1984. I mean the book, not the year, in case anybody else is like Robert and failed English Lit. It’s not free if you paid for it, even if you paid for it indirectly. Incidentally, UK Trading Standards regulations forbid offering “free” goods or services that you pay for indirectly by a premium on other goods or services, i.e. items that are hidden costs and not really free. In addition, if you read very carefully you realise that what’s being offered is not– as a casual reader might think– free participation in the exhibitions, but free participation in the selection process for the exhibitions.

LONDON, NEW YORK and BERLIN are so important they have to be CAPITALISED. Just look at the magic city names LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN and don’t think about the fact that you will not have anything to do with the genuine art scene as such in these cities, just think of being in LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN and having the lifestyle of a globetrotting international artist of mystery in LONDON NEW YORK BERLIN.

Unsupported and unattributed figures like “55000 art lovers and collectors” [sic] are also great, aren’t they? Obviously it’s not important to state how this number was derived and by whom. Just look at the high number, don’t question it. Continue reading


11 Sep

I must thank b Gallery (sic) for spamming me again. Apparently they’re devastated and in the depths of despair because I have “not taken advantage of [their] invitation.” I also found a beloved pet bunny boiling in my kitchen, though that may be unconnected. If they hadn’t reached out to me in this way, I would never have bothered checking out their website and I would have been deprived of some much needed belly laughs this week.

ROLF FUCKING HARRIS. The caption for this was going to be “Terrifying. Looks like he’s just about to deal harshly with two little boys with two little toys. It puts the lotion on its skin…” but I think “Can you tell what it is yet?” is less controversial.

Because whose work do b Gallery sell in their “Fine Art” (again, sic) section? Well, I spoiled it in the title. Only ROLF FUCKING HARRIS and DAVE LEE TRAVIS, MOTHERFUCKER. And some other people who all paint in the same sort of figurative 1980s lowbrow novel cover I-use-oil-paints-so-I-must-be-a-proper-artist style. Paintings of dogs, sexy young ladies, (NB: imagine this latter phrase in a lecherous old man voice), yachts, lighthouses, that kind of shit. No sexy young dogs or dogs sailing yachts, though. Gap in the market, there. The only work of The Hairy Cornflake’s that isn’t obviously a Ringo Starr-esque bit of Photoshop filter fuckery is apparently done in homage to Robert Palmer’s seminal 80s pop video celebration of sexy young ladies who also look a bit like high-end sex dolls, Addicted to Love. Avant garde! It’s appropriation of mainstream media tropes, like Christian Marclay’s Cock! I mean Clock!

Unfortunately it turns out b Gallery has a strict apartheid system. Ordinary painters of pets and sexy young ladies (but never sexy young ladies kept as pets, you fiend, this is a decent site for decent people), even if these Fine Artists have been “spotted” and “invited” by a “talent spotter”, are not admitted to the upper echelons where elite contemporary artists like Dave Lee Travis and Ringo Starr deploy their MS Paint skills with devastating insight. No, these lesser Fine (or less fine) Artists are obliged to pay a sum that b Gallery doesn’t specify up front in order to become a “member” of the directory.

Talk about taking advantage… Oh, I’ve got a member for you, right here.

Did Rolf and Dave have to pay an annual subscription for their “free” showcase and “free” e-mailout, like all these other Winsor & Newton monkeys who got talent spotted? In any case, I’d like somebody at b Gallery to tell me how it’s possible to spot something that doesn’t exist. It’s quite a feat. Maybe they just use those nudie airport scanners to see through peoples’ clothes and into their wallets, where their main qualifications and talent evidently lie. Continue reading

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